Evangelion Character Studies
by Breathe Forever
Summary: Four major characters. Short breakdowns.
1. What Makes a Mother

She remembers, back when she was a little over five, when her mother would ask her tiny things, meaningful things, like "what's your favorite color today?" and "what do you wish to be?".

And when she was young, her answers would change everyday.

"Blue, because the sky looks endless."

"Green, because the grass looks new."

"Pink, because that's the color you turn when Daddy's by you and you're happy."

"White, because it looks so pure."

Everyday, she'd find something interesting and beautiful and welcoming. She loved the world. She loved it so much!

"I want to be a vet, so that I can heal all those homeless, hurt animals."

"I want to be a doctor, so that when you're sick you can always come to me."

Her mother always, always would listen and smile and say:

"That's my daughter. I love you, Asuka."

Because of this, she wanted to be with her mother as much as she could, even to her newest job as part of NERV. She remembers how happy it made her to be there with everyone, to work on something that could change humanity's defenses for the better.

"Stay here, Asuka. I'm going to test something out of them. We'll go out afterwards, for ice cream, pizza anything you want."

She remembers how they never did.

How when the moment she touched the armor of the eva, her eyes flew open, her body collapsed.

She was never the same afterwards.

When she went to visit her mother, she didn't look at her. She pet a rag doll instead, it's orange hair the same length as her own.

"You're so pretty, Asuka. You look just like your father, y'know. So, so pretty."

She didn't spare her a glance.

"You're not my daughter, Asuka is. I love you, Asuka. I love you so much."

She remembers how she wanted to scream at her, "I'm right here! That's not your daughter, I am!"

But every time, the only thing she could get out was a gargled mixture between a cry and a whimper.

"I love you, Mom."

"What happened to you?"

"Why aren't you noticing me?"

"Why aren't you talking to me?"

"Why don't you love me anymore?"

She could hear her mother say:

"Liar."

"Liar."

"You're not my daughter."

"You'll never be my daughter."

"Liar."

"Liar."

She grew up with those voices, grew up fast, fast enough to prove everyone wrong. Prove that she didn't need a mother, that she was reliable, mature.

Prove that she didn't need love.

On the last day, she was proud of herself.

She had gotten where she wanted to in life.

She was going to be important, she was going to pilot an eva!

"Mom, mom! I'm big now! I'm someone you can finally be proud of! Someone you can hug and kiss and hold again!"

But what greeted her was an empty heart and two bodies that hung from the ceiling, the smell of death.

And from that day forward, she couldn't see past the tears that blinded her vision.


	2. A Sense of Nothingness

Nothing.

For as long as she could think, as long as she could speak, there was nothing.

When she walked, there was nothing special about it besides the fact that she was barely even a day old.

When she spoke, they were only bits and pieces of human mannerisms rather than what she herself found right to say.

Nothing.

Nothing about her was important.

She was just another creature, no different from a human, no different from an animal.

But there were certain things about herself she never understood.

There was something akin to uneasiness when she was alone, when she was thinking about something distant and from beyond her mind.

She couldn't comprehend, what would humans call this?

She found home in the word loneliness, but there was something in it that was missing. She wasn't lonely, but was instead feeling a fragment of loneliness that stemmed from her almost human skin.

Yet, there was nothing.

Nothing connecting her heart to her fingers, her mind to her experiences.

She felt pain, but it was more of a involuntary reaction than an actual feeling. There was none of this "fear" or "hurt" or "will".

She had no will.

Why did she need a will?

Wills were a human thing, a feeling, a passion.

She didn't have those.

And if she didn't have those, what was she?

Who was she?

A fabricated soul, maybe. An Angel in the body of a human.

A woman, who is not a woman, but an image of one.

"That is what you are, not who you are."

Then who is she?

"I am me."

"You in what way? You as in the you others perceive, you as in the you Ikari sees, you as in you and the universe?"

"I am me. There's no other way to describe it. I am me. The universe is the universe. Everything just simply is."

"Everything also had a starting point. In order to crease something of equal value must have been lost. What do you suppose the world lost while you came into formation?"

Rei had never been good with questions. They'll ask, she'll answer, but people expected more. Instead of just the truth, they wanted it twisted to what they believe.

"The world lost it's sense of humanity."

"But also took a step closer to eternal peace."

She wondered, what was this peace humans praised so much?

Why did they want it so much?

What was so important about happiness that they went to such extents?

She supposed she'd never know until her moment comes, taking her away forever.

Until then, nothing.

She'll live in nothing, breathe in nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.


	3. Self Acceptance

He was never good with words, feelings, standing up for himself in general. When someone looked at him, he felt intimidated, yet when someone didn't he felt ignored and lonely. He was a living combination of "lost the will to live" and "has the will to live".

He was constantly battling something inside his mind before saying anything, usually to the point where he forgets what he was going to say or chickens out.

"I'm so pathetic."

"So alone and lonely."

"So useless."

But if one were to break down the meaning of useless, it would be something useless to someone in particular, so he kept hoping, kept wishing, that one day he would be a help to the world and everyone in it.

"Maybe my father would notice me."

"Maybe people would wish to be friends with me."

Yet, at the same time, he shied away from a thought so extravagant and unreachable. He liked being alone. He wanted to be alone, but didn't want to be lonely. He supposes that this is how all humans think, too. That's why Rei didn't reach out or attempt to befriend or understand him. Perhaps she already did, perhaps she didn't, since understanding someone is an emotion and state of mind reserved for the one who wants to be understood. As they say, to be loved by others, you must first love yourself.

But how was that possible?

To him, loving yourself seemed so vain and selfish. He couldn't love himself because he found himself unworthy.

"Does that mean you find the love of others less meaningful than your own?"

He doesn't know. He doesn't want to answer, so he doesn't. That's how he always was. If he felt like doing something he would most likely not do it, if he didn't want to do anything, then he won't do anything. It was his guilty pleasure; by running away, he could avoid problems, avoid fights, avoid everything.

"Wouldn't it catch up to you eventually?"

It did. And during those times, he liked to curl up in a ball, maybe cry depending on how badly the situation stressed him. That was how he was, how he accepted himself to be. He wouldn't change, knew he never could.

What was the point in trying if it were going to fail anyway?

"At least you tried."

No, trying is useless if it meant nothing were to come from it.

"Sometimes you have to lose in order to gain, Shinji."

"Sometimes the gain is even bigger than the loss."

But there was always a maybe that he'd have to risk believing in, and he'd prefer to keep his beliefs locked down on the ground and so solid that even if someone died, he'd stand on his feet and keep on living.

But even when he tried, even when he was so damn focused on just that. He still…

He's still really pathetic.

"Will I ever learn?"

And like he expected, he was met with silence.

All he was and ever will be acknowledged with is silence.

There was no one to talk to anymore. No one to cry to.

He was so lonely. So very lonely.

"What's the point of learning if there's nothing to teach to anyone? Nothing to prove to anyone?"

"Why do you learn? Why do you want to know?"

"Not knowing makes me feel weak."

"Then more knowledge is more strength?"

"I suppose."

"Strength for what?"

For positivity. For achieving dreams. The ability to earn trust and love and friends.

But all of that was pointless now wasn't it?

Floating, living, in a world that only him and a corpse occupied…

What kind of future does he have, if everything he ever loved is gone?

He deserved this, he figured.

He only existed, never actually alive.

Now he's forced to live, to strive.

All alone.

For billions of years to come.


	4. I Apologize

He was sorry for everything he's done.

For involving Yui in his life, in his sciences.

For abandoning Shinji, leaving him to live with his teacher.

What he's done and all he ever did was punishment to himself, yet he knowingly hurt Shinji in the process. Shinji probably didn't realize it himself, but he kept on loving his father despite what he made Shinji go through, despite how he treated him.

It had to be done, since he was undeserving of the love and care and sense of normalcy Shinji promised. Undeserving of the love Yui once gave him, of the beautiful family she gave him, of the life he finally wanted coming true.

Undeserving, because he was a hedgehog surrounded by a world of others like him; if he were to ever get close to anyone he would hurt them and they would hurt him until they were so bloody and twisted they couldn't recognize the other anymore.

Even as he lay back watching the end of the world, he regretted everything he's ever done, hoping to repent, going to go to heaven with his late wife's arms open and welcoming.

"I apologize Yui, Shinji… "

He could see the crosses lighting up the sky, signifying the death of a world and the birth of a new. It was a sight to behold, watching as what he gave up life for slowly crawl to dominate. Rei looked just like Yui, he noticed, just like she did all those years ago and probably when she was 14, too.

Beautiful, so graceful and so, so full of some type of mysterious power.

"Yui have you passed on… ? Has Shinji… ?"

He saw Yui kneeling by him, smiling as if she were proud, as if she never died, as if they were all together.

She reached out both arms and embraced him in a hug that he immediately returned.

"Of course Shinji hasn't… He's our child, after all… and he was meant to be the last."

"I love you Yui, Shinji."

"I'll miss you most of all, Shinji."

He welcomed the sudden feeling of LCL, clogging his ears and tearing him to pieces.


End file.
